Boobies And Blood – Horror Movie Reviews

Its Alive 2008

OK, let’s be strait, this movie is NOT going to be nominated by the academy for anything particular. I can go for the whole “mommy guilt” work up into the script; and frankly, it has been about 1K years since I saw the original, so if the plot line varied, then I am just not aware of it. The quality of production on this was really great. It was obvious that the cast and crew took it serious, yet something still was lacking… I mean, where is/was the mommy hurl? I mean that much huffing & guffing over the baby’s carnage should have produced something if nothing more than just bile. And then the recombinant amount of nipple chewing this kid does should have sealed his doom 10 minutes into the film. I personally haven’t breast fed anything, but my wife would have trashed my kids beyond dental records had she been teethed like this lady has. Maybe I should see the original again and then juxtapose it against this one (yet all films should be judged on their own merit). I’m sure that there was/is a moral or underlying meaning behind the production (like the ‘doink you die’ motif of the slasher film genre), but I am just at a loss for this film.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Bijou Phillips

Bijou Phillips

My Bloody Valentine 2009

This slasher film really starts out strong, then has a dramatic lull as relationships develop, and finally finishes predictably, except you’re probably surprised at the slasher’s true identity (I guessed wrong). The beginning of the movie wastes no time, first setting the stage quickly with the newspaper flashback, voice over, technique, then launching into the pivotal horror scene that sets the riddle for the rest of the story – about a dozen people end up as gory bodies, and all within the first 8 minutes of the movie. I figured at this pace the movie would have a record body count, and become overload in about 15 minutes, however, the story then switched to the drama part. The drama story is set ten years later when Tom (Jenson Ackles), who as involved in the earlier horror, suddenly returns to town after 10 years. Of course there’s a love triangle between Tom and Sarah (Jamie King) who’s married to Axel (Kerr Smith), who is the town cop. This plays out against the impending closure of the mine by Tom (the inherited owner), and the slasher, all done up in mining gear with a pick axe, who periodically and innovatively dispatches someone or another. I thought the motel scene with the trucker and nude hooker was one of the more gross scenes. As the story winds down, it’s obvious the slasher is one of two people, and you don’t find out who until the unexpectedly quite logical ending. True to the spirit of Valentine’s Day movies, this story has one of those endings that cries sequel. I thought it was a pretty good horror slasher movie and worth a DVD rental if you like this genre.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Betsy Rue

Betsy Rue

Embrace of the Vampire 1995

Not exactly a horror movie and the story is stupid, but boy, does Alyssa Milano look great when she’s naked! I’m glad to know I’m not the only dirty old man around. If you want the “full effect”, when you go to play, it will give you a choice between “R rated” and “not rated”. Now, who in the world would rent this and choose “R rated”? Also, the two really graphic nude scenes (the lesbian one and the dream-sequence where she’s tied to the bed) beg you to use the “slow” button. Oh, yes, one other thing that no one else has mentioned: The cinematography is actually very good, even the ones outdoors where Alyssa keeps her clothes on.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 5 out of 5

Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano

Glori Gold and Sabrina Allen

Glori Gold?

The Ring 2002

With a spectacular line of American directors botching Japanese horror flicks, the Ring was one of the rare films to actually get it right. If you can put aside the dated idea of VCR tapes and just go with it, this movie will–I repeat, will scare you silly. Why is it so scary, because it sneaks up on you slowly. I also have to add one more thing, the story in this film is laid out very very well, i might even dare say, much better then the Japanese version. It leaves the terror on the shelf for a short time and brings you into the mystery of how this little girl came to exist, and you find yourself going with Naomi Watts on this journey as she triese to uncover this terrifying little girl’s origin. Better, some of the imagery in this film is very very creepy, and yes–as much as I hate to admit it, those images on that VCR tape get to you! And I don’t care what anyone says, the little boy in this film was very good. It has been a long long time since I actually was scared to be alone in the house after a movie was done. I could not sleep and stayed in my office for about two hours with the light on. There is even an option on the DVD to sit there and watch the images yourself while sitting in front your TV.

Horror Rating: 4 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 1/2 out of 5

Naomi Watts

Sorority Row 2009

A bunch of shallow, idiotic females getting slashed sounded like great entertainment to me. Unfortunately this one was a big disappointment. It’s a remake of The House on Sorority Row, an I Know What You Did Last Summer-esque movie but this one offers nothing special. When a prank leads to someone’s death, the sorority sisters decide to hide the crime but several months later, someone wants them to pay. The kills were quick and showed little gore, and the females lacked redeeming qualities so it was hard to feel for their pending deaths. It offered some nudity from random sorority sisters but none from the main characters. My main issue is that the movie seemed really long as we got to know way too much about the unlikeable sisters. And the major plot holes and twist after twist had me rolling my eyes. If you enjoy dialogue-driven slasher flicks you might enjoy this one, but as for me, I prefer action, suspense and at least one character I like.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Deja Kreutzburg

Melissa Lukon

The Broken 2008

The Broken begins with a quote from Poe’s William Wilson (a doppelgänger story, so literary types are clued in immediately to the theme of the film), and plays out like a Poe story—which means it’s slow, creepy, literary, and artistic! All really good things in my book, but if you’re into horror primarily for shock, gore, or constant terror, this is not the one you’re looking for. The horror here is primarily of the “self-examination and being horrified by what we find within” sort of thing which was one of the obsessions of the 19th Century Romanticists. There are layers of interpretation in this film. Taken at face value it is indeed a Body Snatcher sort of story, where the “aliens” don’t come from outerspace, but from innerspace. On another level, it is the story of every person’s battle with the “shadow” self. If we succeed in killing our shadow, what becomes of us? And on another level, it is a mystery thriller that demands a great deal of attention, because even when we become aware of the “reveal” it is a little tricky to pin down when it actually happened. There is a lot of misdirection. A thinking person’s horror film that is beautifully filmed, brilliantly acted, and just scary and creepy enough to get the blood racing, but not so scary it shuts down the brain and prevents thought—which is essential to enjoying this film.

Horror Rating: 4 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Michelle Duncan

Night Of the Demons 1987

I didn’t expect much from this movie judging by the corny DVD cover photo, but man, what a fun movie! I liked it so much that I watched it twice before shipping it back. Basically it works on all levels. The characters are corny, the comedy is dopey, and the horror is somewhat horrific…. Also noteworthy is the peculiar scene in which a tube of lipstick mysteriously disappears by being pushed into a nude woman’s breast. This was before CGI so I have no idea how they filmed it… And I liked the writing. Little plot points are foreshadowed early on. Like the possessed girl who carries the shard of mirror around for most of the film, and only later uses it as a murder weapon. Also the “Stooge” character is such a likeable oaf that he kind of made the film for me. How can you not like a character who shouts for no reason “Eat this bowl of f**k!”? They made two sequels, but I have not yet seen them. Anyhow I recommend this movie as a guilty pleasure…

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 4 out of 5

Jill Terashita

Linnea Quigley

Linnea Quigley

Nympha 2007

Nympha starts off like most nusploitation movies. Sarah, Scream Queen Tiffany Shepis (Tromeo & Juliet) wants to leave her past behind and become a nun. She is stripped of all her worldly possessions and stands naked to receive her new habits. But, things get weird from that point as she is soon to face the first test as her eardrums are punctured. She starts hearing voices and having visions. Sight is removed with acid, the hands are burned, and her tongue is cut out so that she can talk to God with her soul only. We really don’t know what is going on. Are things real, or are they just what she is seeing in her mind? Is she hearing and seeing God. She certainly ends up touching God in the form of Caroline De Cristofaro, who jumps in her bed. Are the nuns exorcising demons from the house? We certainly get glimpses of bloody and sinful doings that apparently happened in the past. One thing that is great about this film is the cinematography and the score. The classical music really adds to the feeling and, unlike many horror pictures, the lighting is superb. These are some strange nuns and they certainly don’t conform to the tents of the Church. I leave it to the viewer to determine just how non-conformist they are.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 4 out of 5

Tiffany Shepis

Tiffany Shepis

Tiffany Shepis

Caroline deCristafaro

Carrie 1976

This is one of those unofficial classics whose material is still too disreputably pleasurable and macabrely, deviantly funny to be considered the masterpiece of American cinema it actually is. Containing far more emotional truth about growing up different than more supposedly “sensitive” films (Ordinary People, Donnie Darko) this hysterical little fairytale packs a bracing wallop. A young telekinetic girl–the freak daughter of a religious fanatic– becomes a victim of a particularly nasty prank at the prom, gets crowned with pig’s blood and destroys everybody with her powers. Through a mixture of fantastic acting (Spacek and Laurie) pop pulp parody, and stylistic gymnastics (most of which center on the metaphorical device of the split screen) De Palma has here created a shockingly sensational tale of improbably witty and poetic brilliance; sleaze and silliness come together in a comic nightmare about divided perspectives stirring up a hilarious, maggoty mess of guilty social hypocrisies and ordinary story-telling techniques. At the end, all of it goes up in a marvelously irresponsible red blaze of fury. There’s no comparison to Hitchcock or Welles really, Carrie’s simply better than any of their work. Building something new from their stylistic developments Carrie goes much deeper, because it doesn’t play coy and mouse games with its material the way the masters had to with theirs in the past. It’s a great movie

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Sissy spacek, amy irving, nancy Allen

Sissy Spacek

Night of the Demons 2

Night of the Demons 2 is a sequel that definitely does its original film justice. It’s hard to believe that, even though it comes six years after NOTD, it is still able to keep the same tone and quality of the first film. NOTD 2 marks the return of Amelia Kinkade as Angela, creepier and better than ever in this installment. The Night of the Demons series is one of the most underrated and ignored in the horror genre. Much like the first film, this one is good fun with some great atmosphere, dark humor, and gratuitous nudity…all the makings of a good ’80s horror flick, except made in the ’90s. This time around, however, the teens release the evil from Hull house and manage to bring it with them into their boarding school. Night of the Demons 2 comes close to the original but misses the mark by just a little. Check this out if you enjoyed the first. If you didn’t, you’re not going to enjoy this one much more.

Horror Movies: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Cristi Harris

Cristi Harris