Boobies And Blood – Horror Movie Reviews

Return of the Living Dead 1985

When two employees of a medical supply company accidentally release toxic fumes and a body from a long forgotten military container, they soon find themselves facing a zombie with a taste for brains. And when their attempts to fix the problem fail, they are faced with a growing zombie population. This one starts off a bit slow before the comedy kicks into gear. About that time it becomes obvious this is B-movie with no aspirations of being anything more. Despite that, there are a few good BOO moments and some mildly entertaining effects to keep things interesting. When that fails, having Quigley strut around and dance naked keeps us watching for a while longer. By the end of the film we are almost rooting for the zombies to win! Acting was a mix here with Gulager, Karen, and Calfa doing okay with what they had. Peck, Quigley, Nunez Jr. and most of the rest however were a mess of missed cues, overacting, and inexperience. Camera work was decent if simple, while sets and backgrounds felt stark and somewhat cheap. Effects were mildly entertaining but not enough to save the film, and they are showing their age at this point. Dialogue was ridiculous and as you would expect from a B-movie. Sound and soundtrack were okay but nothing special. Overall The Return of the Living Dead is a fairly well done B-movie that is a great entry-level flick. There isn’t enough depth for us to take the film seriously but plenty of zombies and attention to learning how to kill them. With nudity, sexuality, mild foul language, violence, plenty of gore, and zombies.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 4 out of 5 (one of the longest nude scenes in any of the movies I have ever seen Well done Quigley!)

Linnea Quigley

Linnea Quigley

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The Wicker Man 1973

Wickerman is one of the first horror movies I remember seeing as a kid, so I have a certain fondness for it. To my recollection, I can’t name another film that crept up one me the way this one did. Its one of those rare horror movies that has a solid story that progresses in a logical order and has you thinking, putting the pieces together one by one until the very end, at which point it drops you off the edge of a cliff and you can’t believe it. The great strength of this film is that its not really constructed as a typical horror movie. Some fans would debate on whether or not you can actually call it a horror movie. That decision is up to the individual viewer, but the film most definitely follows a traditional detective mystery plot. It involves a young girl who disappears on a provincial island off the Scottish mainland. The island’s residents are seemingly normal people, who just happen to be pagans and are none to pleased when Sgt. Howie (Edward Woodward, TVs “The Equalizer”) arrives from the mainland to investigate. As his search continues, he begins to realize that the pagan religion runs deeper than just the surface activities of the island’s May Day celebration. Can’t say too much more without spoiling it. Those who enjoy mysteries or horror movies with a solid plot and a nice slow build will really enjoy this. Gore is non-existent in this film, but you’d have to be pretty jaded not be a little undone by the film’s creepy atmosphere.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Ingrid Pitt

Britt Ekland

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Hatchet II 2010

If you are a fan of the original, there is essentially NO WAY you won’t love this second outing as well. Picking up, quite literally, where the first one ended, Hatchet 2 is a brash, brutal, grisly, over the top gore fest. The wit and sense of humor return as well, but feel a bit more natural, now that the cast isn’t a bunch of teenage stereotypes. See it unrated if you can Don’t forget they pulled this movie out of the theaters because it was to violent. Adam Green manages to bring back the old slasher genre without making it into too much of joke or falling prat to stale, predictable methods. He even manages to sneak in a few unanswered questions you may have had about his last film, Frozen. Top it all off with a little nod to another great little film you may have heard of, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon and a superb cast of B stars and you’ve got the best slasher since the original Hatchet. Hell, it may even be better than that. Adam Green is truly one of the new kings of horror. This being his third home run in a row. Can’t wait to see what he does next.

Horror Rating: 4 out of 5 (Good amounts of GORE!!)

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Charlayne DeVillier

Sarah Agor

Alexis Peters

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Hatchet

I was practically forced by a friend to watch Hatchet. That admitted, I actually enjoyed it. This is actually a likeable film, if you like your cheesy comedy with a side of gore. The story involves two friends, at Mardi Gras that decide to go on a “Ghost Swamp Tour”. Murder and chaos ensue. I really don’t want to give any more away. The movie was funny. Is it a great comedy? Absolutely not. But there were some great lines in this, and the death scenes, well; they were slightly comical too, which isn’t to say that it wasn’t scary or gory. The story rambles, and doesn’t give you much back story, but it was one of the movies that you hope that any B horror movie would be. The cast is likeable, and the death scenes are elaborate, the monster is well, a monster, and there are laughs. And the ending is the most original I have seen. I recommend it for B horror movie lovers, or cheesy movie lovers.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5 (more gore then anything)

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Joleigh Fioreavanti and Mercedes McNab

Hatchet Nude

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Doppelganger

Guess the ending to this convoluted mess and you deserve a trophy. Despite a few dropped hints it seemed like an afterthought. Rather than a creative finale it’s as if the Producers said: “Cut the special effects budget. Add more blood and gore!” Ms. Barrymore made this movie when she was 18 years old, sometime between ‘The Amy Fisher Story’ and ‘Wayne’s World 2.’ However, here we get to see some of her womanly charms. If not, I wouldn’t have watched. Her acting left much to be desired. The part she played in ‘Poison Ivy’ was Oscar-worthy by comparison. The story didn’t give any of the players much to to work with though. But a job’s a job, and you do your best, right? In the end I blame the Director and the Producers who hired him. Clearly, they couldn’t get Brian De Palma. Avi Nesher, the director they hired, must’ve been a big fan of De Palma’s work. He tried to copy his style. Sadly he failed. Like a rooky chef trying to reproduce his master’s famous recipe, the ingredients were all there but none of the flair and flavor. As thrillers go it does have its moments. But it’s somewhat more curious than it is suspenseful. And it’s often silly when it should be frightening. Movies of this type are highly dependent on mood, tone and foreboding. This movie had it all. But you’ve seen it before and better. A horrible murder has been committed. The prime suspect is ambiguously innocent. Sexy encounters. Shower scene. Plenty of dark and stormy nights. Even the elements seem to be dangerous. Eerie music alerts you when it’s time to pay attention. Lots of dark rooms with things lurking in the shadows. The protagonist is lured into danger against all common sense. And more red herrings than you can gather in a net. In a film making course this flick would come under the heading of ‘Don’ts.’ But fans of Ms. Barrymore might find it entertaining on some level.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore boobs

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Laid to rest 2008

What can ya do when you wake up in a “box” and don’t know who you are and somebody is trying to make you dead? *giggle* I thought the main girl Bobbi Sue Luther was off her rocker and a really bad actress at first. In fact I was wondering if the bad guy had given her some sort of lobotomy. Nah, nothing that complicated. In fact this is your very basic slasher, they don’t pay much attention to the why’s and what for’s here but they sure get the kills and gore right. This is as much a mean and nasty homage to the slashers of old that I’ve seen in quite a while. They totally get that right. Even though quite a few of the old time hack and slash came with a tiny kernel to wrap your mind around, ie: revenge, mommy issues or just flat out soulless black hearts this one updates for 2000′s. It’s the old I like to make snuff flicks trick. Hall mixes hand held views with clear shots and scans like jellybeans and it all works to keep the look updated and gives it a you are there feel. This actually contains fine performances for a slasher. Chromeskull may look a little silly with his shiny chrome mask but he’s downright tricky with a nasty hunting knife. He’s also the proud owner of some pretty cool and tricked out cars. If you are a fan of the mindless slasher and I am, this is a cool watch since Robert Hall’s company does great gore.

Horror Rating: 4 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Seri Deyoung

Bobbi Sue Luther

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Amityville 1992: It's About Time

Not the most convincing of horror movies, nor the most original, but this relatively low-budget continuation of the Amityville story is still one of my favorite horror flicks. The pacing is excellent, with the degeneration of characters and reveal of what’s causing it done well throughout; the characters are very strong, and we’re rooting for the son the whole time, while Shawn Weatherly as the conflicted step-mom is convincing, and Jonathan Penner as the a-hole comic relief psychiatrist is hilarious and steals every scene he’s in; Megan Ward is mega-hot as always; and, finally, a lot of the scenes are creative and are even genuinely creepy, like the one where the architect has revised his model for the housing community, which still gives me goosebumps. Some horror cliches here and there, but go into it with no expectations and you might be surprised.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 1 out of 5

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The Last House on the Left 2009

This is the Last House version made with the thought that a larger viewing audience could be garnered. This toned down version is not a bad movie since performances bump it up to a well-done film. They got rid of some of the cheese factor but the original even with cheese trumps this remake in brutality and bleakness. They played it straight but gave me an unrealistic death scene that ends up being over the top. It didn’t suit the mood. This resulted in a more cartoonish experience. Dillahunt manages a very chilling performance as a cold-hearted sociopath but it is as if these psychos have always been this way and the first film is different in that respect. In the first film the psychos seem unaware of themselves. Amongst all the torture that goes on, it is as if they are all surprised by their own sickness and testing their boundaries. They keep taking it up a notch and finding that they are enjoying themselves. This is all lost in the remake since you really aren’t invested. This film does not bring the viewer in as a voyeur the way the first one manages and viewer guilt is null as you are no longer a participant. The girls fight back in this and they manage to come off as more real, intelligent and certainly less naive. I do commend them for this but my biggest complaint above all is the revenge, no longer a tasty snack in this version and way less satisfying. Why? The very last scene devolves into cartoon style revenge. I was left with nothing to really chew on no matter how stellar the performances were. This does have the updated look, slick and well edited so I’m sure the modern audience and those unfamiliar with the first outing will appreciate that. The original, which actually had a lot of underlying social commentary had way more guts. This remake unfortunately left me a tad cold. I’d say stick with a rental on this, it’s slightly generic as opposed to a theater view but still view it sometime if you’re into this genre.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Riki Lindhome

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After Life 2009

Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloos feature-length directorial effort is high on star power and proposes an interesting premise, that of a woman who hovers between life and death and a mortician who is there to help her transition. The script, also by Wojtowicz-Vosloo, starts off incredibly uneven but picks up steam as it moves along thanks to the interaction between the young woman in question, played by Christina Ricci, and Liam Neesons mortician. Ricci has to carry her portions of the film while being in various states of undress for large chunks of time, and while that must have been a challenge for her she pulls it off while giving enough tilt to her performance to give the central question of the film–is Anna really dead?–some subtlety and suspense. Neeson for his part carries off a surprisingly difficult role with his usual ease. Under Neesons care, Eliot is at various times curmudgeonly, nurturing, calm and menacing, and he makes it all perfectly believable. On the flip side, Justin Long is horribly miscast as Annas grieving near-fiancee Paul. Long is a charming and likable actor, but here he is just not right for the role and he spends most of the time overacting. The biggest problem however is that the film can never really decide whether it is a supernatural thriller or a psychological one, and that murky status leaves After.Life hanging out to dry. The sudden, fevered pitch toward the climax is too off-kilter and while there are some interesting things that happen as the answers become clear, the plot falls into well-worn territory and becomes a rote exercise in staying firmly within the lines of the thriller genre. This is a film that has its moments and some will be satisfied with Riccis en masse showing of skin, but most will be left wanting more.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5 (creepy)

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

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Meridian Kiss of The Beast 1990

If you really like Sherilyn Fenn, then you may want to watch this movie. If you fondly recall poor quality movies from the 80′s, you may want to watch this movie. If you want to watch the silly costumed monster pictured on the front cover have sex with Sherilyn Fenn (which is wrong on so many accounts) you may want to watch this movie. If not, then you definitely don’t want to watch this movie. It really sucks pretty bad. It’s low budget, makes little sense, relies on a freaky sideshow for it’s texture. You will see Sherilyn laying on a bed topless for an extended period of time and she sure isn’t bad to look at, but then you’re forced to watch the beast mount her while she seems to act like this is an everyday event–again, disturbing. And you’ll see the very large chested Charlie topless and reclining or standing in several briefer scenes. Theres very little plot, the special effects are poor, there’s no drama or mystery. You just get a silly costume, an all too brief naked Sherilyn and alot of time to wonder what you were thinking. I’d suggest you keep looking for a better title. Too bad there’s no foul language or Gore, its all too silly to be labeled a Horror Movie really, the movie itself is the true horror. The beast on Sherilyn….that’s just so wrong. How did anyone keep a straight face?

Horror Rating: 0 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 4 out of 5

Sherilyn Fenn

Sherilyn Fenn

Sherilyn Fenn

Charlie Spradling our favorite Scream Queen!!!

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