Stan Helsing

First of this is not a horror movie, however it was freaking funny and it spoofed a lot of horror movies and hey there are boobs, so that being said it belongs here.

I thought this movie was a total funny goof as it paraded the basic monsters and slashers from he 70s,80s, and early 90s. Silly plot, funny guys, and some seriously hot girls. What more do you need? Stan, a descendant of Van Helsing, is a goofball waste product of a video store clerk on a Halloween night. He is told to deliver some videos. His friends pick him up to go to a costume party, but he asks them to take him on the delivery. They are chased by the baddies, such as Freddie, Pinhead, Chuckie, Leatherface, Michael Myers and Jason. It was meant to be a funny popcorn movie to waste a litte time and make you giggle. The late great Leslie Nielsen makes a cameo, probably one of his last appearances. The movie looked like it was a lot of fun to make. It was meant to be mindless fun.

Horror Rating: 0 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Holly Eglington

Ildiko Ferenczi

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To sleep with a Vampire 1993

The infamous uncredited remake of “Dance of the Damned.” Much of the dialogue is word for word with “Dance of the Damned.” So much so that you might think they used the same script, but the credits indicate otherwise. As closely modeled after “Dance of the Damned” it is, the overall feel is so very different. In “Dance of the Damned” as these two characters share their lives, you discover that they are more alike than the mere surface reveals. In the end, you wish they could somehow fill a void in each other so that both could live. In “To sleep with a vampire,” it seems as though they spend the whole time comparing their pain to one another as if they were competing on who’s life sucks more. In the end, you dislike them both and wouldn’t care if both died, for neither has a good reason to live. What changes there are seem to be there to explain the plot to you more clearly. If only someone would have just explained it to the writer, for they just didn’t get it. For some of the plot points, just don’t make any sense in the context they placed it. The cinematography is probably the one improvement over “Dance of the Damned,” but it’s the only thing. It’s a real shame that this is on DVD and “Dance of the Damned” has yet to be released on DVD.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 5 out of 5

Charlie Spradling

CharlieSpradling

Charlie Spradling

Ingrid Vold

Stephanie Hardy

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Embrace of the Vampire 1995

Not exactly a horror movie and the story is stupid, but boy, does Alyssa Milano look great when she’s naked! I’m glad to know I’m not the only dirty old man around. If you want the “full effect”, when you go to play, it will give you a choice between “R rated” and “not rated”. Now, who in the world would rent this and choose “R rated”? Also, the two really graphic nude scenes (the lesbian one and the dream-sequence where she’s tied to the bed) beg you to use the “slow” button. Oh, yes, one other thing that no one else has mentioned: The cinematography is actually very good, even the ones outdoors where Alyssa keeps her clothes on.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 5 out of 5

Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano

Glori Gold and Sabrina Allen

Glori Gold?

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Dracula 3: Legacy

Shot on location in Romania, executive producer Wes Craven’s sequel to Dracula II: Ascension.  What is it about vampire films that makes them so closely resemble their subject matter? No matter how many times critics and audiences pound a stake through the heart of a property, it manages to crawl out of its shallow box-office business grave and terrorize us in the home video market. Case in point, Dracula III: Legacy – the primary film of this series, Dracula 2000, is a music video gone wrong (too much focus on breasts ‘n’ blood and not enough on anything else); however, the sequels take a step in the right direction by reigning the visuals in and trying to be straightforward horror films, too bad that’s the only right step they make. Tired of one vampire cliche (the oh-so-gothic New Orleans), the filmmakers opt for another and move the story to a civil-war-torn Romania where the populace’s occupation seems to be standing around until eaten by a vampire. There is a plot somewhere, now-cassockless Uffitzi and Luke are in Romania to pursue Dracula and rescue the fair Elizabeth, but along the way fight the growing forces of the undead. Jason Scott Lee mugs his way through this one, showing all the pathos of a tree stump; London plays the quirky comendy sidekick with little deviation from our expectations; and Diane Neal manages to look good in fangs and a red dress for about fifteen minutes. Special attention must be given to Rutger Hauer’s nigh-cameo, however, as he moves through his entire repetoire of talents in a brief time: snarls, growls, etc. And why is it that the Dracula who was so thoroughly killed in part one (hung from a crucifix in the morning sunlight – he IS Judas Iscariot after all) is so quickly dispatched in this one when his head is lopped off? Furthermore, why Rutger Hauer in the first place? Was the Paul Bettany-lookalike they had in part two unavailable? If you have a yen for vamp films, rent this, all else, avoid. Special points awarded for the director’s pretentious pontification on the vampire myth.

Horror: 2 out of 5

Boobies: 3 out of 5

Diane Neal

Diane Neal

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Burial of The Rats

Dance! to the mad pied music of the Marie-Antoinette dress-a-like rat queen and her coven of barely lingerie-clad anti-patriarchal revolutionary ex-prostitutes! Thrill to the Symbionese-style abduction and conversion of Bram Stoker prior to writing his masterpiece,  Dracula! A mighty career bookended by crazy rat tyrants and seductively fanged snake ladies!  The story of this movie is not too bad, but the acting, script, and video quality of this movie takes it down.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 5 out of 5

Adrienne Barbeau

Maria Ford

Maria Ford

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The Forsaken

Taking a chapter out of “After Dark” and a page out of “Joy Ride”, “The Forsaken” is a hip, dark and violent look into the life of vampirism. When Sean (Kerr Smith) takes a week off of work to drive a car to Miami and to attend his sister’s wedding, he runs into a band of misfit vampires…and a hunter named Nick (Brendan Fehr) who is trying to stop them. Against his better judgment, Sean agrees to help a transient girl who appears to be very ill. When the girl bites Sean, Nick then explains that she has been infected by a vampire and by effect, so has he now. Using the girl as bait, they formulate a plan which will bring the vampires to them on holy ground where they try to end their bloody rampage.

As far as vampire movies go, this one was actually pretty good. The special effects were excellent, the vampires were frightening, the actors were solid and the story was intelligent and well developed (for the most part).  Its good enough to watch and sit through but probably not good enough to suggest to your friends.

Horror Rating: 4 out of 5 (plenty of good bloody scenes)

Boobies Rating: 4 out of 5

Beth Ann Styne

Izabella Miko

Izabella Miko

Julia Schultz

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Fright Night

Tom Holland’s vision of this movie is very campy, but relatively fun. With a bit of overacting, and special effects that were short of spectacular in 1985. This movie is really good for nostalgic purposes, but not one to show someone expecting a modern vampire romp.

Fright Night portrays vampires in a relatively close adherence to traditional vampire mythos. Traveling as mist, transforming into bats and wolves, aversion from crosses and holy water, lack of reflection, vulnerability to sunlight, vampiric hypnotism etc… Mix in a little Blood and some boobies and you got yourself a good horror movie.

Fright Night is classic, but the age of the film and campy overacted nature may make many viewers gag. Those of you who enjoy a fun little romp and can look past “Evil Ed” will get a solid 106 minutes of entertainment out of this movie. The movie straddles a difficult combination of horror and comedy more on the side of horror than comedy, which leaves the viewer a little bit unsure of what to think.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Amanda Bearse

Irina Irvine

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Interview With The Vampire

Horror author Anne Rice penned the screenplay for this full-blooded adaptation of her novel, which chronicles the life of 18th-century nobleman Louis (Brad Pitt) after he is bitten by powerful, charismatic vampire Lestat (Tom Cruise).

Though enthralled with the undead lifestyle at first, Louis is unable to warm up to killing humans and grows despondent. To comfort Louis, Lestat creates another vampire (Kirsten Dunst in a star-making performance), a young girl who from then on cannot age.

Antonio Banderas appears as Armand, a 400-year-old vampire, and Christian Slater plays the radio producer who interviews the remorseful Louis.  There is boobies and there’s a little  blood.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5 ( Its just a little creepy)

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Laure Marsac

Missy Yager

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Bram Stokers Dracula new art

Bram Stokers Dracula

BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA and indeed parts of it, like Murnau’s NOSFERATU (1922), are extremely loyal to the spirit and reality of the novel. But in his zeal to express his profound respect for the medium Coppola also bows to Browning and Lugosi.

Gary Oldman plays the title role (fiercely, tenderly, howlingly) in two stages, first as a wizened, pasty-faced, bouffant-coiffed, satin-robed nobleman (the Murnau/Schreck vision) and later as a dandified, well-heeled aristo-about-town (the Lugosi influence). Using Victorian England, a veritable hothouse of repressed carnality, as the main backdrop, Coppola makes this the most sexualized, eroticized vampire movie in existence.There’s so much to mention and not enough space so here’s the upshot. The movie is a treasure trove of technique and creativity. It’s a sustained, focused, cinematic tour-de-force). It’s atmospheric, exciting, kaleidoscopic. There iss boobies and there is blood and there are more boobies, enjoy!

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 5 out of 5

Florina Kendrick

Michaela Bercu

Monica Belucci

Monica Belucci

Sadie Frost

Sadie Frost

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