Boobies And Blood – Horror Movie Reviews

texas chainsaw massacre 2003

Well, this wasn’t the blasphemous abomination I asumed it would be.(Michael Bay executive-producing a remake of one of the all-time great horror movies? Hmmm, no thank you!?!) In fact, the movie actually does do alot of things right. Remember the trailer? The atmosphere and mood are near perfect right off the bat. There is a feeling of unease. You almost believe you’re back in the 70′s. And, the reimagined plot makes a little more sense this time around. Once the flick gets going, I like that for the most part it doesn’t let up. The cinematography is first rate. It is used effectively to heighten the creepiness. The cast, for the most part, is good. Jessica Biel looks especially delicious in a tank top, and makes an excellent scream queen. She can’t quite match the unbridled terror of the original movie’s heroine, but, hell, who can? My one major complaint is with R. Lee Emory. He’s a helluva actor, and alot of people love him in this. But, to me, when he showed up, his over-the-top schtick took me right out of the nightmare. All in all, this is the best studio horror film since “The Ring”. If this didn’t bear the name of an all-time classic, I probaly would have rated it a little higher. Still, the original terrified me the first time I saw it, taking me seemingly to the edge of insanity-this version just chilled me a little bit.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 1/2 out of 5 (Really the only reason i put this movie on this site is the scene where jessica biel is running through the slaughter house and the fire extingiushers suddenly come on and soak her white tank top.)

Jessica Biel

Children of the corn 2009

This is a complete and total piece of garbage. I wish I could give it a minus stars rating. It is nothing like Stephen King’s short story, or the original movie  that was based on the short story. Unlikeable characters that I really was glad to see die, too much time wasted watching Burt run endlessly through corn fields. The savior of this movie was probably the most disturbing, SPOILER!!!! was a gratuitous and graphic sex scene in the church where a large group of small children are watching a totally nude male teen “fertilize” a totally nude female teen on an altar. Appalling and totally needed however where are the parents to these child actors? This movie was nothing like the original short story, the bad acting, horrible script and mindless plot made this movie hard to sit through. I bet Stephen King is disgusted by this crap too!

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 1 out of 5

Some people may remember Zita Vass in the second season of Californication where she shows full frontal nudity!!!!

Zita Vass

The Grapes of Death 1978

Get ready to read, A french horror movie with English subtitles….eeeew, for horror buffs its worth at least a glance, here the synopsis. A plague strikes transmitted in wine strikes a French village turning all who consume the stuff into pus-oozing, rabid maniacs. A girl traveling by train to her fiance’s vineyard finds herself fighting for her life. The influences of Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci are pretty obvious, as is that of George Romero’s “The Crazies”. “Grapes of Death” is one of Rollin’s more accessible films, having a linear storyline and consistent mood. The acting isn’t as bad as in some of his other movies, either.

I’m not going to nitpick over whether these are really zombies or not they’re diseased people who rot and are compelled to kill. Big difference. It’s got some of the good things about Euro horror: beautiful locations, beautiful people, and large quantities of fake-looking, free-flowing gore. It’s got some of the bad things about Euro horror: a sloooow pace and a slim regard for plot. If you can live with that, it’s not a bad movie. The main thing it’s got going for it is the shock value, because the kill scenes are fairly savage. Just don’t watch it too late at night. Not because it will scare you too bad, but because it might be hard to keep awake. Maybe with a nice diseased Merlot

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Brigitte Lahaie

unknown nude actress

Turistas 2006

This movie asks the question: do breasts that are erotic on a live body remain erotic on a hollowed out corpse? The answer is yes. Turistas is lazy and unoriginal but it’s never boring. It’s part of that whole English speaking folks (this time an Aussie, a few Americans and two Brits) go to some third world hellhole and fall prey to some real evil savages trend. Except the third world hellhole is Brazil and the savage is some politically motivated surgeon. More thoughts (possible spoilers) 1.) Least abrasive characters live. 2.) There are noble savages -even in Brazil! 3.) Kids in third world world hellholes should be avoided at all costs (Hot babes too.) 4.) Never take the bus. For God’s sake, never take the bus. 5.) Like Knowing, the caves cannot save you. I’d only recommend this to people, like me, who feel compelled to watch every R rated movie the Hollywood garbage machine craps out but then again we are at boobiesandblood.com!

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 4 out of 5

Beau Garrett

Beau Garrett

Lucy Ramos

Puppet Master 2: His Unholy Creations 1991

Compared to some of the newer movies and CGI these films may be a bit childish nowadays, but dammit, I still love them and this one tries to be a bit scarier than the first one. Puppet Master 2 His unholy Creations introduces a new puppet, Torch, who is very reminiscent of the Nazis that once tried to murder their creator Andre Toulon. Anyways, they go in search of some brain serum or whatever. It’s all just mindless fun brought to us by the great people of Full Moon productions.  best thing about this movie is a nice scene where scream queen Charlie Spradling shows here lovely globes.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Charlie Spradling in Puppet Master 2

The Collector 2009

The Collector is indebted to the maligned torture porn genre (the writer / director team did work on part of the Saw series), but by finding the right blend of horror tropes to defy and use, it comes out way ahead of this pack, making for a gritty, tense viewing that isnt fun, exactly, but doesnt make you feel cheap like the Hostel rip-offs generally do. The problem with films of this type, generally, is that theres rarely effort to tie the audience to the characters before we have pointless teens being tied up and bloodily tortured by crazies for vague reasons. Maybe the kills are visually impressive, but at a bare minimum 90 minutes, you need at least SOME involvement, right?

The Collector vastly exceeds this bare need, giving us an everyman character for our point of view. Casting was important here, and it succeeded. You like this guy (Josh Stewart), even though he may be up to no good. Indeed, hes trying to rob someones house. …But its the wrong house, because the crazy in this movie is The Collector, and hes sort of booby-trapped the house and ol Joshy is locked inside. Now this Collector character is kept vague in THE RIGHT WAY. Both calculated but crazy, seemingly undefeatable but still definitely human, he never talks, hes got a creepy look… Its a classic horror baddie, and he is scary. And the rest of the characters act honorably but also believably, fighting and running at sensible moments, able to stay quiet but also getting freaked out. And yes, there are great moments of violence that are worth it because theyre built up to – not just splattered about – with some truly awesome camera work that puts all the flashy edit nonsense of modern horror to shame. Overall, certain aspects of the plot are a bit silly, but The Collector definitely wowed me beyond expectations, and was nerve-wracking in all the right ways.

Horror Rating: 4 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5 (a good few seconds of Madeline Zima!)

Madeline Zima

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead 2009

If you were into the first two films as I was, then you will enjoy this inbred splatterfest. A bus load of convicts get loose, stumble upon millions of dollars and, end up cutting the head off the mutant killer’s son and putting it on a pole. Not a smart move. The kill scenes were first rate and really carried what would have been a tired, played out sequel. Axe killings, several arrow killings, stabbing, cut up with sickle, impaled with huge spike, burned alive, wrapped in razor wire, dragged to death, face sliced off, split in three pieces and multiple cannibal scenes will keep you entertained. A must for slasher fans and anyone that has seen the first two…

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Louise Cliffe

Hellraiser 7 Deader

The first and second Hellraiser movies reeled me in because 1). The Cenobites were frighteningly beyond words. 2). The gore was unfathomable. I had never seen anyone lose their skin before or go on a mission to retrieve it! 3). I got my first peak into what I could only imagine hell would REALLY be like. After watching the first two movies I was even too paranoid to play with my Rubik’s Cube, lol. The series has deteriorated significantly enough since. Hellraiser VII: Deader started out promising. There is a scene near the beginning where the main character, a journalist named Amy, is in search of a woman associated with a cult that allegedly can bring people back to life after they commit suicide. Amy enters this woman’s apartment and there are a few genuinely sinister moments (remember the girl in the closet in The Ring and how revolting the house was in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre?). Unfortunately, the movie declines thereafter. The cult needs Amy to sacrifice herself so that the leader can conquer Pinhead’s domain. Since Amy refuses to willingly take her own life, she is stabbed by the leader and ends up in a limbo; wandering in-between worlds with a gaping wound in her chest that won’t stop bleeding. Then there’s a final showdown between the cult leader, Pinhead, and Amy (which realm will Amy select: Pinhead’s, or the cult’s, or?). Some of the makeup and lighting is poor, the Cenobites are barely seen (and not scary!), and what happened to Pinhead’s voice? In early movies he exuded a booming, menacing voice that sent shivers down my spine. Here he sounds like an elderly gentleman demanding a cup of tea (although he’s still a cool character!). Not a BAD movie, but not real scary either.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Kari Wuhrer

Kari Wuhrer

Wrong Turn 2

Well it didn’t have the effect on me that the original did but then again I knew what was coming and I watched it on a Saturday afternoon instead of 3:00 a.m. by myself. I give it credit for using some originality with the reality show storyline and appearances from Henry Rollins and Kimberly Caldwell (only really great surprising killing moment). The biggest problem is this movie went from terrifying to gross and corny like later versions of Texas Chainsaw. I still found some enjoyment in this film but it won’t offer you the jump out of your seat moments but it will give you lots of guts!

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5 (Lots of Gore!)

Boobies Rating: 1 out of 5

Crystal Lowe

Crystal Lowe

Psycho Ward 2008

For starters this movie needs more attractive faces. The camera man couldn’t hold the camera still, and the acting is downright dreadful. If your looking for a movie that shows people actually being murdered rent P2. Psycho Ward provides you with nothing but a good laugh. The killer is overweight, and his mask is ridiculous (he also walks unbelievably slow). The girls  need to learn the basics of sticking together, I mean come on, don’t they know they are in a horror movie? . Psycho Ward is an overall sucky movie, with no blood and no gore, however we do have a very nice boob shot and here it is.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Eva Redpath

Nicole Bonin