Boobies And Blood – Horror Movie Reviews

texas chainsaw massacre 2003

Well, this wasn’t the blasphemous abomination I asumed it would be.(Michael Bay executive-producing a remake of one of the all-time great horror movies? Hmmm, no thank you!?!) In fact, the movie actually does do alot of things right. Remember the trailer? The atmosphere and mood are near perfect right off the bat. There is a feeling of unease. You almost believe you’re back in the 70′s. And, the reimagined plot makes a little more sense this time around. Once the flick gets going, I like that for the most part it doesn’t let up. The cinematography is first rate. It is used effectively to heighten the creepiness. The cast, for the most part, is good. Jessica Biel looks especially delicious in a tank top, and makes an excellent scream queen. She can’t quite match the unbridled terror of the original movie’s heroine, but, hell, who can? My one major complaint is with R. Lee Emory. He’s a helluva actor, and alot of people love him in this. But, to me, when he showed up, his over-the-top schtick took me right out of the nightmare. All in all, this is the best studio horror film since “The Ring”. If this didn’t bear the name of an all-time classic, I probaly would have rated it a little higher. Still, the original terrified me the first time I saw it, taking me seemingly to the edge of insanity-this version just chilled me a little bit.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 1/2 out of 5 (Really the only reason i put this movie on this site is the scene where jessica biel is running through the slaughter house and the fire extingiushers suddenly come on and soak her white tank top.)

Jessica Biel

The Hills have eyes 2 2007

Spoiler alert!!!!!Where do I begin? The acting was terrible and stereotypical. It was so bad that it was almost comedic. Later when the one ‘soldier’ is taking a sh!t, a hand reaches out of the bottom of a porto-potty. There is a lone survivor in there. Now why and how a full grown man would not only be in bottom of a potty but to stay under the sewage is beyond me. It isn’t an outhouse where it could be 10 feet deep. That is only the first in a long list of impossibilities including mutants that are fired upon by weapons that kill with one bullet, let alone a whole magazine, and it still takes them more than that to kill them. We are only exposed too 4 mutants, one of whom is blind, yet these 4 (except for the friendly one) are responsible for not only killing soldiers but a small platoon of them. Then there is the ‘special effects’ which were great…..back in 1982. To cap everything off; they left the door open for part 3 which I won’t be wasting my time or money on.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating:1 out of 5

Cecile Breccia

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The Grapes of Death 1978

Get ready to read, A french horror movie with English subtitles….eeeew, for horror buffs its worth at least a glance, here the synopsis. A plague strikes transmitted in wine strikes a French village turning all who consume the stuff into pus-oozing, rabid maniacs. A girl traveling by train to her fiance’s vineyard finds herself fighting for her life. The influences of Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci are pretty obvious, as is that of George Romero’s “The Crazies”. “Grapes of Death” is one of Rollin’s more accessible films, having a linear storyline and consistent mood. The acting isn’t as bad as in some of his other movies, either.

I’m not going to nitpick over whether these are really zombies or not they’re diseased people who rot and are compelled to kill. Big difference. It’s got some of the good things about Euro horror: beautiful locations, beautiful people, and large quantities of fake-looking, free-flowing gore. It’s got some of the bad things about Euro horror: a sloooow pace and a slim regard for plot. If you can live with that, it’s not a bad movie. The main thing it’s got going for it is the shock value, because the kill scenes are fairly savage. Just don’t watch it too late at night. Not because it will scare you too bad, but because it might be hard to keep awake. Maybe with a nice diseased Merlot

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Brigitte Lahaie

unknown nude actress

Turistas 2006

This movie asks the question: do breasts that are erotic on a live body remain erotic on a hollowed out corpse? The answer is yes. Turistas is lazy and unoriginal but it’s never boring. It’s part of that whole English speaking folks (this time an Aussie, a few Americans and two Brits) go to some third world hellhole and fall prey to some real evil savages trend. Except the third world hellhole is Brazil and the savage is some politically motivated surgeon. More thoughts (possible spoilers) 1.) Least abrasive characters live. 2.) There are noble savages -even in Brazil! 3.) Kids in third world world hellholes should be avoided at all costs (Hot babes too.) 4.) Never take the bus. For God’s sake, never take the bus. 5.) Like Knowing, the caves cannot save you. I’d only recommend this to people, like me, who feel compelled to watch every R rated movie the Hollywood garbage machine craps out but then again we are at boobiesandblood.com!

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 4 out of 5

Beau Garrett

Beau Garrett

Lucy Ramos

The Collector 2009

The Collector is indebted to the maligned torture porn genre (the writer / director team did work on part of the Saw series), but by finding the right blend of horror tropes to defy and use, it comes out way ahead of this pack, making for a gritty, tense viewing that isnt fun, exactly, but doesnt make you feel cheap like the Hostel rip-offs generally do. The problem with films of this type, generally, is that theres rarely effort to tie the audience to the characters before we have pointless teens being tied up and bloodily tortured by crazies for vague reasons. Maybe the kills are visually impressive, but at a bare minimum 90 minutes, you need at least SOME involvement, right?

The Collector vastly exceeds this bare need, giving us an everyman character for our point of view. Casting was important here, and it succeeded. You like this guy (Josh Stewart), even though he may be up to no good. Indeed, hes trying to rob someones house. …But its the wrong house, because the crazy in this movie is The Collector, and hes sort of booby-trapped the house and ol Joshy is locked inside. Now this Collector character is kept vague in THE RIGHT WAY. Both calculated but crazy, seemingly undefeatable but still definitely human, he never talks, hes got a creepy look… Its a classic horror baddie, and he is scary. And the rest of the characters act honorably but also believably, fighting and running at sensible moments, able to stay quiet but also getting freaked out. And yes, there are great moments of violence that are worth it because theyre built up to – not just splattered about – with some truly awesome camera work that puts all the flashy edit nonsense of modern horror to shame. Overall, certain aspects of the plot are a bit silly, but The Collector definitely wowed me beyond expectations, and was nerve-wracking in all the right ways.

Horror Rating: 4 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5 (a good few seconds of Madeline Zima!)

Madeline Zima

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead 2009

If you were into the first two films as I was, then you will enjoy this inbred splatterfest. A bus load of convicts get loose, stumble upon millions of dollars and, end up cutting the head off the mutant killer’s son and putting it on a pole. Not a smart move. The kill scenes were first rate and really carried what would have been a tired, played out sequel. Axe killings, several arrow killings, stabbing, cut up with sickle, impaled with huge spike, burned alive, wrapped in razor wire, dragged to death, face sliced off, split in three pieces and multiple cannibal scenes will keep you entertained. A must for slasher fans and anyone that has seen the first two…

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Louise Cliffe

Wrong Turn 2

Well it didn’t have the effect on me that the original did but then again I knew what was coming and I watched it on a Saturday afternoon instead of 3:00 a.m. by myself. I give it credit for using some originality with the reality show storyline and appearances from Henry Rollins and Kimberly Caldwell (only really great surprising killing moment). The biggest problem is this movie went from terrifying to gross and corny like later versions of Texas Chainsaw. I still found some enjoyment in this film but it won’t offer you the jump out of your seat moments but it will give you lots of guts!

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5 (Lots of Gore!)

Boobies Rating: 1 out of 5

Crystal Lowe

Crystal Lowe

Psycho Ward 2008

For starters this movie needs more attractive faces. The camera man couldn’t hold the camera still, and the acting is downright dreadful. If your looking for a movie that shows people actually being murdered rent P2. Psycho Ward provides you with nothing but a good laugh. The killer is overweight, and his mask is ridiculous (he also walks unbelievably slow). The girls  need to learn the basics of sticking together, I mean come on, don’t they know they are in a horror movie? . Psycho Ward is an overall sucky movie, with no blood and no gore, however we do have a very nice boob shot and here it is.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Eva Redpath

Nicole Bonin

My Bloody Valentine 2009

This slasher film really starts out strong, then has a dramatic lull as relationships develop, and finally finishes predictably, except you’re probably surprised at the slasher’s true identity (I guessed wrong). The beginning of the movie wastes no time, first setting the stage quickly with the newspaper flashback, voice over, technique, then launching into the pivotal horror scene that sets the riddle for the rest of the story – about a dozen people end up as gory bodies, and all within the first 8 minutes of the movie. I figured at this pace the movie would have a record body count, and become overload in about 15 minutes, however, the story then switched to the drama part. The drama story is set ten years later when Tom (Jenson Ackles), who as involved in the earlier horror, suddenly returns to town after 10 years. Of course there’s a love triangle between Tom and Sarah (Jamie King) who’s married to Axel (Kerr Smith), who is the town cop. This plays out against the impending closure of the mine by Tom (the inherited owner), and the slasher, all done up in mining gear with a pick axe, who periodically and innovatively dispatches someone or another. I thought the motel scene with the trucker and nude hooker was one of the more gross scenes. As the story winds down, it’s obvious the slasher is one of two people, and you don’t find out who until the unexpectedly quite logical ending. True to the spirit of Valentine’s Day movies, this story has one of those endings that cries sequel. I thought it was a pretty good horror slasher movie and worth a DVD rental if you like this genre.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Betsy Rue

Betsy Rue

Sorority Row 2009

A bunch of shallow, idiotic females getting slashed sounded like great entertainment to me. Unfortunately this one was a big disappointment. It’s a remake of The House on Sorority Row, an I Know What You Did Last Summer-esque movie but this one offers nothing special. When a prank leads to someone’s death, the sorority sisters decide to hide the crime but several months later, someone wants them to pay. The kills were quick and showed little gore, and the females lacked redeeming qualities so it was hard to feel for their pending deaths. It offered some nudity from random sorority sisters but none from the main characters. My main issue is that the movie seemed really long as we got to know way too much about the unlikeable sisters. And the major plot holes and twist after twist had me rolling my eyes. If you enjoy dialogue-driven slasher flicks you might enjoy this one, but as for me, I prefer action, suspense and at least one character I like.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Deja Kreutzburg

Melissa Lukon