Boobies And Blood – Horror Movie Reviews

Stan Helsing

First of this is not a horror movie, however it was freaking funny and it spoofed a lot of horror movies and hey there are boobs, so that being said it belongs here.

I thought this movie was a total funny goof as it paraded the basic monsters and slashers from he 70s,80s, and early 90s. Silly plot, funny guys, and some seriously hot girls. What more do you need? Stan, a descendant of Van Helsing, is a goofball waste product of a video store clerk on a Halloween night. He is told to deliver some videos. His friends pick him up to go to a costume party, but he asks them to take him on the delivery. They are chased by the baddies, such as Freddie, Pinhead, Chuckie, Leatherface, Michael Myers and Jason. It was meant to be a funny popcorn movie to waste a litte time and make you giggle. The late great Leslie Nielsen makes a cameo, probably one of his last appearances. The movie looked like it was a lot of fun to make. It was meant to be mindless fun.

Horror Rating: 0 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Holly Eglington

Ildiko Ferenczi

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Hostel Part 2

For the most part, the story was a rehashed version of the original, with the exception of one thing: this time, we get treated to an insider’s view of the murderous wretches who patronize Elite Hunting, & their reasoning for taking part in premeditated torture & murder. This is what made the movie for me. It forced me to consider why a person would commit the kinds of heinous acts that are depicted in this movie. It forced me to think about the base, animal nature of human beings. The acting was downright bad in some scenes, & truly riveting in others. Kudos to Roger Bart & Richard Burgi, our two would-be killers. Their scenes were full of palpable tension. An honorable mention goes to Heather Matarazzo who brings a genuine pathos to her character. You really don’t want to see her die. As for the direction, Eli Roth is Eli Roth, though I did get the feeling he held back some. Other than a couple of scenes of bad acting, Roth did what he seems to do best: creep people out. Visually, this movie could have been much richer. It didn’t have that edge that I saw in the original Hostel. That could also be because I’d seen it all before. I thought the best scene visually is when we get a long shot of Bart & Burgi entering the factory from the crumbled ruins outside. It’s the same shot we see in the original. It was more spine-tingling this time because we know where those ruins lead to. Very powerful shot. Overall, I got what I was expecting.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Heather Matarazzo

Vera Jordanova

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To sleep with a Vampire 1993

The infamous uncredited remake of “Dance of the Damned.” Much of the dialogue is word for word with “Dance of the Damned.” So much so that you might think they used the same script, but the credits indicate otherwise. As closely modeled after “Dance of the Damned” it is, the overall feel is so very different. In “Dance of the Damned” as these two characters share their lives, you discover that they are more alike than the mere surface reveals. In the end, you wish they could somehow fill a void in each other so that both could live. In “To sleep with a vampire,” it seems as though they spend the whole time comparing their pain to one another as if they were competing on who’s life sucks more. In the end, you dislike them both and wouldn’t care if both died, for neither has a good reason to live. What changes there are seem to be there to explain the plot to you more clearly. If only someone would have just explained it to the writer, for they just didn’t get it. For some of the plot points, just don’t make any sense in the context they placed it. The cinematography is probably the one improvement over “Dance of the Damned,” but it’s the only thing. It’s a real shame that this is on DVD and “Dance of the Damned” has yet to be released on DVD.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 5 out of 5

Charlie Spradling

CharlieSpradling

Charlie Spradling

Ingrid Vold

Stephanie Hardy

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2001 Maniacs

Gory to the extreme with stupid Southern stereotypes (in a good way) and chicks running around in almost nothing and Robert Englund given free rein to riff as much as he wants to. It’s the story of three guys who are heading down to Florida for spring break when they take a “detour” in the road and find themselves in Pleasant Valley. They’re soon joined by two girls, a gay guy, a black guy and a Chinese girl, setting up all sorts of gay and racial jokes as the Southerners take offense and take some meat for their jubilee. There’s sex with goats (off screen), impaling, crushing, dismemberment and a guy getting the worst oral sex ever (think: metal braces). Great (esp. considering the budget) make-up and effects. Not for the squeamish but a must for people who like intentionally funny and gory movies like Dead Alive.

Horror Rating: 2 out of  5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Bianca Smith

Christa Campbell

Cristin Michele and Kodi Kitchen

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The Last House on the Left 2009

This is the Last House version made with the thought that a larger viewing audience could be garnered. This toned down version is not a bad movie since performances bump it up to a well-done film. They got rid of some of the cheese factor but the original even with cheese trumps this remake in brutality and bleakness. They played it straight but gave me an unrealistic death scene that ends up being over the top. It didn’t suit the mood. This resulted in a more cartoonish experience. Dillahunt manages a very chilling performance as a cold-hearted sociopath but it is as if these psychos have always been this way and the first film is different in that respect. In the first film the psychos seem unaware of themselves. Amongst all the torture that goes on, it is as if they are all surprised by their own sickness and testing their boundaries. They keep taking it up a notch and finding that they are enjoying themselves. This is all lost in the remake since you really aren’t invested. This film does not bring the viewer in as a voyeur the way the first one manages and viewer guilt is null as you are no longer a participant. The girls fight back in this and they manage to come off as more real, intelligent and certainly less naive. I do commend them for this but my biggest complaint above all is the revenge, no longer a tasty snack in this version and way less satisfying. Why? The very last scene devolves into cartoon style revenge. I was left with nothing to really chew on no matter how stellar the performances were. This does have the updated look, slick and well edited so I’m sure the modern audience and those unfamiliar with the first outing will appreciate that. The original, which actually had a lot of underlying social commentary had way more guts. This remake unfortunately left me a tad cold. I’d say stick with a rental on this, it’s slightly generic as opposed to a theater view but still view it sometime if you’re into this genre.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Riki Lindhome

Riki Lindhome

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texas chainsaw massacre 2003

Well, this wasn’t the blasphemous abomination I assumed it would be.(Michael Bay executive-producing a remake of one of the all-time great horror movies? Hmmm, no thank you!?!) In fact, the movie actually does do alot of things right. Remember the trailer? The atmosphere and mood are near perfect right off the bat. There is a feeling of unease. You almost believe you’re back in the 70′s. And, the re imagined plot makes a little more sense this time around. Once the flick gets going, I like that for the most part it doesn’t let up. The cinematography is first rate. It is used effectively to heighten the creepiness. The cast, for the most part, is good. Jessica Biel looks especially delicious in a tank top, and makes an excellent scream queen. She can’t quite match the unbridled terror of the original movie’s heroine, but, hell, who can? My one major complaint is with R. Lee Emory. He’s a helluva actor, and allot of people love him in this. But, to me, when he showed up, his over-the-top schtick took me right out of the nightmare. All in all, this is the best studio horror film since “The Ring”. If this didn’t bear the name of an all-time classic, I probably would have rated it a little higher. Still, the original terrified me the first time I saw it, taking me seemingly to the edge of insanity-this version just chilled me a little bit.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 1/2 out of 5 (Really the only reason i put this movie on this site is the scene where jessica biel is running through the slaughter house and the fire extingiushers suddenly come on and soak her white tank top.)

Jessica Biel

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The Hills have eyes 2 2007

Spoiler alert!!!!!Where do I begin? The acting was terrible and stereotypical. It was so bad that it was almost comedic. Later when the one ‘soldier’ is taking a sh!t, a hand reaches out of the bottom of a porto-potty. There is a lone survivor in there. Now why and how a full grown man would not only be in bottom of a potty but to stay under the sewage is beyond me. It isn’t an outhouse where it could be 10 feet deep. That is only the first in a long list of impossibilities including mutants that are fired upon by weapons that kill with one bullet, let alone a whole magazine, and it still takes them more than that to kill them. We are only exposed too 4 mutants, one of whom is blind, yet these 4 (except for the friendly one) are responsible for not only killing soldiers but a small platoon of them. Then there is the ‘special effects’ which were great…..back in 1982. To cap everything off; they left the door open for part 3 which I won’t be wasting my time or money on.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating:1 out of 5

Cecile Breccia

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The Grapes of Death 1978

Get ready to read, A french horror movie with English subtitles….eeeew, for horror buffs its worth at least a glance, here the synopsis. A plague strikes transmitted in wine strikes a French village turning all who consume the stuff into pus-oozing, rabid maniacs. A girl traveling by train to her fiance’s vineyard finds herself fighting for her life. The influences of Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci are pretty obvious, as is that of George Romero’s “The Crazies”. “Grapes of Death” is one of Rollin’s more accessible films, having a linear storyline and consistent mood. The acting isn’t as bad as in some of his other movies, either.

I’m not going to nitpick over whether these are really zombies or not they’re diseased people who rot and are compelled to kill. Big difference. It’s got some of the good things about Euro horror: beautiful locations, beautiful people, and large quantities of fake-looking, free-flowing gore. It’s got some of the bad things about Euro horror: a sloooow pace and a slim regard for plot. If you can live with that, it’s not a bad movie. The main thing it’s got going for it is the shock value, because the kill scenes are fairly savage. Just don’t watch it too late at night. Not because it will scare you too bad, but because it might be hard to keep awake. Maybe with a nice diseased Merlot

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Brigitte Lahaie

unknown nude actress

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Turistas 2006

This movie asks the question: do breasts that are erotic on a live body remain erotic on a hollowed out corpse? The answer is yes. Turistas is lazy and unoriginal but it’s never boring. It’s part of that whole English speaking folks (this time an Aussie, a few Americans and two Brits) go to some third world hellhole and fall prey to some real evil savages trend. Except the third world hellhole is Brazil and the savage is some politically motivated surgeon. More thoughts (possible spoilers) 1.) Least abrasive characters live. 2.) There are noble savages -even in Brazil! 3.) Kids in third world world hellholes should be avoided at all costs (Hot babes too.) 4.) Never take the bus. For God’s sake, never take the bus. 5.) Like Knowing, the caves cannot save you. I’d only recommend this to people, like me, who feel compelled to watch every R rated movie the Hollywood garbage machine craps out but then again we are at boobiesandblood.com!

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 4 out of 5

Beau Garrett

Beau Garrett

Lucy Ramos

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The Collector 2009

The Collector is indebted to the maligned torture porn genre (the writer / director team did work on part of the Saw series), but by finding the right blend of horror tropes to defy and use, it comes out way ahead of this pack, making for a gritty, tense viewing that isn’t fun, exactly, but doesn’t make you feel cheap like the Hostel rip-offs generally do. The problem with films of this type, generally, is that there’s rarely effort to tie the audience to the characters before we have pointless teens being tied up and bloodily tortured by crazies for vague reasons. Maybe the kills are visually impressive, but at a bare minimum 90 minutes, you need at least SOME involvement, right?

The Collector vastly exceeds this bare need, giving us an everyman character for our point of view. Casting was important here, and it succeeded. You like this guy (Josh Stewart), even though he may be up to no good. Indeed, hes trying to rob someones house. …But its the wrong house, because the crazy in this movie is The Collector, and hes sort of booby-trapped the house and ol Joshy is locked inside. Now this Collector character is kept vague in THE RIGHT WAY. Both calculated but crazy, seemingly unbeatable but still definitely human, he never talks, hes got a creepy look… Its a classic horror baddie, and he is scary. And the rest of the characters act honorably but also believably, fighting and running at sensible moments, able to stay quiet but also getting freaked out. And yes, there are great moments of violence that are worth it because there built up to – not just splattered about – with some truly awesome camera work that puts all the flashy edit nonsense of modern horror to shame. Overall, certain aspects of the plot are a bit silly, but The Collector definitely wowed me beyond expectations, and was nerve-wracking in all the right ways.

Horror Rating: 4 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5 (a good few seconds of Madeline Zima!)

Madeline Zima

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