Boobies And Blood – Horror Movie Reviews

Puppet Master 2: His Unholy Creations 1991

Compared to some of the newer movies and CGI these films may be a bit childish nowadays, but dammit, I still love them and this one tries to be a bit scarier than the first one. Puppet Master 2 His unholy Creations introduces a new puppet, Torch, who is very reminiscent of the Nazis that once tried to murder their creator Andre Toulon. Anyways, they go in search of some brain serum or whatever. It’s all just mindless fun brought to us by the great people of Full Moon productions.  best thing about this movie is a nice scene where scream queen Charlie Spradling shows here lovely globes.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Charlie Spradling in Puppet Master 2

The Collector 2009

The Collector is indebted to the maligned torture porn genre (the writer / director team did work on part of the Saw series), but by finding the right blend of horror tropes to defy and use, it comes out way ahead of this pack, making for a gritty, tense viewing that isnt fun, exactly, but doesnt make you feel cheap like the Hostel rip-offs generally do. The problem with films of this type, generally, is that theres rarely effort to tie the audience to the characters before we have pointless teens being tied up and bloodily tortured by crazies for vague reasons. Maybe the kills are visually impressive, but at a bare minimum 90 minutes, you need at least SOME involvement, right?

The Collector vastly exceeds this bare need, giving us an everyman character for our point of view. Casting was important here, and it succeeded. You like this guy (Josh Stewart), even though he may be up to no good. Indeed, hes trying to rob someones house. …But its the wrong house, because the crazy in this movie is The Collector, and hes sort of booby-trapped the house and ol Joshy is locked inside. Now this Collector character is kept vague in THE RIGHT WAY. Both calculated but crazy, seemingly undefeatable but still definitely human, he never talks, hes got a creepy look… Its a classic horror baddie, and he is scary. And the rest of the characters act honorably but also believably, fighting and running at sensible moments, able to stay quiet but also getting freaked out. And yes, there are great moments of violence that are worth it because theyre built up to – not just splattered about – with some truly awesome camera work that puts all the flashy edit nonsense of modern horror to shame. Overall, certain aspects of the plot are a bit silly, but The Collector definitely wowed me beyond expectations, and was nerve-wracking in all the right ways.

Horror Rating: 4 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5 (a good few seconds of Madeline Zima!)

Madeline Zima

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead 2009

If you were into the first two films as I was, then you will enjoy this inbred splatterfest. A bus load of convicts get loose, stumble upon millions of dollars and, end up cutting the head off the mutant killer’s son and putting it on a pole. Not a smart move. The kill scenes were first rate and really carried what would have been a tired, played out sequel. Axe killings, several arrow killings, stabbing, cut up with sickle, impaled with huge spike, burned alive, wrapped in razor wire, dragged to death, face sliced off, split in three pieces and multiple cannibal scenes will keep you entertained. A must for slasher fans and anyone that has seen the first two…

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Louise Cliffe

Zombie Night 2003

First, a little warning… there is no way to skip the trailers and previews before the main menu appears. I tried everything, the only button that responded was the eject button. So if you do not chuck a brick at the TV before-hand you will wish you had. This movie… ugh… well to start the characters and story were laughable at best, but I guess that was to match the acting which was so bad that they flubbed some of thier lines but just kept filming. The zombies looked good but these zombies must have had some sort of magical powers since anyone touched by a zombie just yells a little then lays down and dies. Joking aside though, this movie was just terrible. There was some gore but can you count using SpaghettiOs as a special effect gore? I cant really recommend this even if youre a zombie fan. No action, no sense of desperation, nothing redeeming here at all. You will more than likely just grow annoyed with the movie. But, I did learn one thing from this movie. If Im ever attacked by a few zombies I can block thier advance with a few empty orange crates.

Horror Rating 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating 2 out of 5

Sandra Segovic

unknown actress

Hellraiser 7 Deader

The first and second Hellraiser movies reeled me in because 1). The Cenobites were frighteningly beyond words. 2). The gore was unfathomable. I had never seen anyone lose their skin before or go on a mission to retrieve it! 3). I got my first peak into what I could only imagine hell would REALLY be like. After watching the first two movies I was even too paranoid to play with my Rubik’s Cube, lol. The series has deteriorated significantly enough since. Hellraiser VII: Deader started out promising. There is a scene near the beginning where the main character, a journalist named Amy, is in search of a woman associated with a cult that allegedly can bring people back to life after they commit suicide. Amy enters this woman’s apartment and there are a few genuinely sinister moments (remember the girl in the closet in The Ring and how revolting the house was in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre?). Unfortunately, the movie declines thereafter. The cult needs Amy to sacrifice herself so that the leader can conquer Pinhead’s domain. Since Amy refuses to willingly take her own life, she is stabbed by the leader and ends up in a limbo; wandering in-between worlds with a gaping wound in her chest that won’t stop bleeding. Then there’s a final showdown between the cult leader, Pinhead, and Amy (which realm will Amy select: Pinhead’s, or the cult’s, or?). Some of the makeup and lighting is poor, the Cenobites are barely seen (and not scary!), and what happened to Pinhead’s voice? In early movies he exuded a booming, menacing voice that sent shivers down my spine. Here he sounds like an elderly gentleman demanding a cup of tea (although he’s still a cool character!). Not a BAD movie, but not real scary either.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Kari Wuhrer

Kari Wuhrer

Wrong Turn 2

Well it didn’t have the effect on me that the original did but then again I knew what was coming and I watched it on a Saturday afternoon instead of 3:00 a.m. by myself. I give it credit for using some originality with the reality show storyline and appearances from Henry Rollins and Kimberly Caldwell (only really great surprising killing moment). The biggest problem is this movie went from terrifying to gross and corny like later versions of Texas Chainsaw. I still found some enjoyment in this film but it won’t offer you the jump out of your seat moments but it will give you lots of guts!

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5 (Lots of Gore!)

Boobies Rating: 1 out of 5

Crystal Lowe

Crystal Lowe

Psycho Ward 2008

For starters this movie needs more attractive faces. The camera man couldn’t hold the camera still, and the acting is downright dreadful. If your looking for a movie that shows people actually being murdered rent P2. Psycho Ward provides you with nothing but a good laugh. The killer is overweight, and his mask is ridiculous (he also walks unbelievably slow). The girls  need to learn the basics of sticking together, I mean come on, don’t they know they are in a horror movie? . Psycho Ward is an overall sucky movie, with no blood and no gore, however we do have a very nice boob shot and here it is.

Horror Rating: 1 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Eva Redpath

Nicole Bonin

Hellraiser Hellworld 2005

“Hellraiser: Hellworld” is the 8th installment into the Hellraiser franchise and this time, Director Rick Bota gets it right. After his two flops in the 6th and 7th films of the series, Bota turns to a more conventional approach in this 8th film…and it works. Five friends are all invited to a party in honor of the internet video game Hellworld in a mansion deep in the woods…where they soon find their horror fantasies become a cold reality. One by one, the friends are methodically picked off by Pinhead himself in sinister fashion. Lance Henriksen also stars and was his usual maniacal self in another solid outing for the veteran actor. This film regains what the last 3 had lost…it hearkens to the days of 80′s horror with your typical partying teenagers who go in expecting debauchery and decadence, but get a crude wake up call. The story was very well written and developed, the actors were on the mark, and the ending gave you a very good and unexpected twist that delivers. This is what I have been looking and waiting for since Bloodline. A high recommend, and a nice return to form.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 4 out of 5

Desiree malonga

Desiree Malonga

Desiree Malonga

Its Alive 2008

OK, let’s be strait, this movie is NOT going to be nominated by the academy for anything particular. I can go for the whole “mommy guilt” work up into the script; and frankly, it has been about 1K years since I saw the original, so if the plot line varied, then I am just not aware of it. The quality of production on this was really great. It was obvious that the cast and crew took it serious, yet something still was lacking… I mean, where is/was the mommy hurl? I mean that much huffing & guffing over the baby’s carnage should have produced something if nothing more than just bile. And then the recombinant amount of nipple chewing this kid does should have sealed his doom 10 minutes into the film. I personally haven’t breast fed anything, but my wife would have trashed my kids beyond dental records had she been teethed like this lady has. Maybe I should see the original again and then juxtapose it against this one (yet all films should be judged on their own merit). I’m sure that there was/is a moral or underlying meaning behind the production (like the ‘doink you die’ motif of the slasher film genre), but I am just at a loss for this film.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Bijou Phillips

Bijou Phillips

My Bloody Valentine 2009

This slasher film really starts out strong, then has a dramatic lull as relationships develop, and finally finishes predictably, except you’re probably surprised at the slasher’s true identity (I guessed wrong). The beginning of the movie wastes no time, first setting the stage quickly with the newspaper flashback, voice over, technique, then launching into the pivotal horror scene that sets the riddle for the rest of the story – about a dozen people end up as gory bodies, and all within the first 8 minutes of the movie. I figured at this pace the movie would have a record body count, and become overload in about 15 minutes, however, the story then switched to the drama part. The drama story is set ten years later when Tom (Jenson Ackles), who as involved in the earlier horror, suddenly returns to town after 10 years. Of course there’s a love triangle between Tom and Sarah (Jamie King) who’s married to Axel (Kerr Smith), who is the town cop. This plays out against the impending closure of the mine by Tom (the inherited owner), and the slasher, all done up in mining gear with a pick axe, who periodically and innovatively dispatches someone or another. I thought the motel scene with the trucker and nude hooker was one of the more gross scenes. As the story winds down, it’s obvious the slasher is one of two people, and you don’t find out who until the unexpectedly quite logical ending. True to the spirit of Valentine’s Day movies, this story has one of those endings that cries sequel. I thought it was a pretty good horror slasher movie and worth a DVD rental if you like this genre.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Betsy Rue

Betsy Rue