Boobies And Blood – Horror Movie Reviews

To sleep with a Vampire 1993

The infamous uncredited remake of “Dance of the Damned.” Much of the dialogue is word for word with “Dance of the Damned.” So much so that you might think they used the same script, but the credits indicate otherwise. As closely modeled after “Dance of the Damned” it is, the overall feel is so very different. In “Dance of the Damned” as these two characters share their lives, you discover that they are more alike than the mere surface reveals. In the end, you wish they could somehow fill a void in each other so that both could live. In “To sleep with a vampire,” it seems as though they spend the whole time comparing their pain to one another as if they were competing on who’s life sucks more. In the end, you dislike them both and wouldn’t care if both died, for neither has a good reason to live. What changes there are seem to be there to explain the plot to you more clearly. If only someone would have just explained it to the writer, for they just didn’t get it. For some of the plot points, just don’t make any sense in the context they placed it. The cinematography is probably the one improvement over “Dance of the Damned,” but it’s the only thing. It’s a real shame that this is on DVD and “Dance of the Damned” has yet to be released on DVD.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 5 out of 5

Charlie Spradling

CharlieSpradling

Charlie Spradling

Ingrid Vold

Stephanie Hardy

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The Mephisto Waltz 1971

Cheeseball 70′s Satanism (which mainly infers a very complicated version of wife-swapping), mixed with tv-movie production values and late 60′s visual weirdness, plus a cast who went on to better things equals… well, not a scarefest, but an interesting look back at nostalgia. Produced by Quinn Martin (who did the shows THE FUGITIVE, THE INVADERS, CANNON, BARNABY JONES), who’s not known for frightening audiences, and it shows – the (great) score by Jerry Goldsmith does all of the heavy lifting in providing scares. It does, however, feature a Devil Dog five years before THE OMEN made it fashionable, child actress Pamelyn Ferdin (who doesn’t get much screentime and who’s killed off rather quickly), and Alan Alda & Jackie Bisset before they got really famous. It also seems to infer the moral, “If you can’t beat ‘em – join ‘em!” which may not be the thing to take away from a picture concerning Satanism. But it’s not like it advocates it either. Anyway, you’ll either be enthralled by the cheese factor, or fighting to stay awake through the ‘tension’.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Jacqueline Bisset

Unknown Nude

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Automaton transfusion 2006

Long hyped, low budget zombie film finally makes its shambling debut on video… and what an utter disappointment. This is so lackluster I hardly know where to begin. Does one start with the utterly retarded setup (fast forward to the 27 minute mark to skip the stunted hormonal teen setup) or the community theater quality acting or the broadly sketched characters who make one stupid decision after another or the annoying hand-held camera work (I’ve not seen this much stomach turning visuals since the Gibson/Busey fight at the end of LETHAL WEAPON) or how about the HUGE leaps in internal (and common sense) logic that transpire. There are TWO good FX gags in the entire film, but they’re hardly sitting through this pile of cinematic excrement to see. And don’t even get me started on the insulting ending… And to think, it’s rumored there are more installments of this drivel to look forward to. If this over-hyped, slapdash production is what’s considered to be a decent horror film these days, I weep for the genre.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Juliet Reeves

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Amityville 1992: It's About Time

Not the most convincing of horror movies, nor the most original, but this relatively low-budget continuation of the Amityville story is still one of my favorite horror flicks. The pacing is excellent, with the degeneration of characters and reveal of what’s causing it done well throughout; the characters are very strong, and we’re rooting for the son the whole time, while Shawn Weatherly as the conflicted step-mom is convincing, and Jonathan Penner as the a-hole comic relief psychiatrist is hilarious and steals every scene he’s in; Megan Ward is mega-hot as always; and, finally, a lot of the scenes are creative and are even genuinely creepy, like the one where the architect has revised his model for the housing community, which still gives me goosebumps. Some horror cliches here and there, but go into it with no expectations and you might be surprised.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 1 out of 5

shawn_weatherly

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Hostel 2006

In Hostel, two American college students go traveling across Europe. On the train they hear about a hostel in Slovakia that attracts lots of girls, so naturally they head there. Unbeknown to them, the hostel is run by a group who mercenaries who kidnap tourists and sell them to rich people to torture for kicks. While the situation is a nightmare, the story really isn’t that scary. Its bloody and very gory, but its not going to keep you up at night. It was a good movie, I like blood and guts, but that’s not how it was advertised! This was advertised as being one of the scariest movies ever and it just wasn’t. If you’re a horror fan, its defiantly worth seeing, but be warned, its more about shock and awe than it is scary.

Horror Rating: 4 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 5 out of 5

Barbara Nedeljakova

jana kaderabkova and barbara nedeljakova

paula_wild

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The Funhouse 1981

Tobe Hooper is one of the most overlooked directors of the 70′s/80′s. The man behind “Texas Chainsaw..”, “Eaten Alive”, “‘Salem’s Lot”, “Poltergeist”, “Lifeforce” and this little gem needs more props. This is an otherwise forgettable early 80′s fluff horror piece if it weren’t for Hooper’s unique touch. The carnival has massive potential to be creepy. Here, four friends decide to hang around all night in the funhouse and get more than they expected. Kevin Conway’s funhouse barker is a man with a secret. His adult son who helps him with the show strangely wears a mask at all times and has a horrid limp. The four teens who crash the funhouse find out why and when they do..yikes. He’s a deformed freak who’s prone to violent rages. The movie goes somewhat to standard formula after that, but in the end, I started to rally for the freak to win out..even though you know the outcome. When it’s over, I actually felt sorry for the monster. Then I wanted to go back and see the scenes where he was peacefully walking around the carnival with his mask on..buying popcorn and helping his dad. Odd I realize..but that’s good film making. The ability to make a sympathetic character out of nothing.

Horror Rating: 2 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 2 out of 5

Elizabeth Berridge

Elizabeth Berridge

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2001 Maniacs

Gory to the extreme with stupid Southern stereotypes (in a good way) and chicks running around in almost nothing and Robert Englund given free rein to riff as much as he wants to. It’s the story of three guys who are heading down to Florida for spring break when they take a “detour” in the road and find themselves in Pleasant Valley. They’re soon joined by two girls, a gay guy, a black guy and a Chinese girl, setting up all sorts of gay and racial jokes as the Southerners take offense and take some meat for their jubilee. There’s sex with goats (off screen), impaling, crushing, dismemberment and a guy getting the worst oral sex ever (think: metal braces). Great (esp. considering the budget) make-up and effects. Not for the squeamish but a must for people who like intentionally funny and gory movies like Dead Alive.

Horror Rating: 2 out of  5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Bianca Smith

Christa Campbell

Cristin Michele and Kodi Kitchen

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The Last House on the Left 2009

This is the Last House version made with the thought that a larger viewing audience could be garnered. This toned down version is not a bad movie since performances bump it up to a well-done film. They got rid of some of the cheese factor but the original even with cheese trumps this remake in brutality and bleakness. They played it straight but gave me an unrealistic death scene that ends up being over the top. It didn’t suit the mood. This resulted in a more cartoonish experience. Dillahunt manages a very chilling performance as a cold-hearted sociopath but it is as if these psychos have always been this way and the first film is different in that respect. In the first film the psychos seem unaware of themselves. Amongst all the torture that goes on, it is as if they are all surprised by their own sickness and testing their boundaries. They keep taking it up a notch and finding that they are enjoying themselves. This is all lost in the remake since you really aren’t invested. This film does not bring the viewer in as a voyeur the way the first one manages and viewer guilt is null as you are no longer a participant. The girls fight back in this and they manage to come off as more real, intelligent and certainly less naive. I do commend them for this but my biggest complaint above all is the revenge, no longer a tasty snack in this version and way less satisfying. Why? The very last scene devolves into cartoon style revenge. I was left with nothing to really chew on no matter how stellar the performances were. This does have the updated look, slick and well edited so I’m sure the modern audience and those unfamiliar with the first outing will appreciate that. The original, which actually had a lot of underlying social commentary had way more guts. This remake unfortunately left me a tad cold. I’d say stick with a rental on this, it’s slightly generic as opposed to a theater view but still view it sometime if you’re into this genre.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Riki Lindhome

Riki Lindhome

Riki Lindhome

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After Life 2009

Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloos feature-length directorial effort is high on star power and proposes an interesting premise, that of a woman who hovers between life and death and a mortician who is there to help her transition. The script, also by Wojtowicz-Vosloo, starts off incredibly uneven but picks up steam as it moves along thanks to the interaction between the young woman in question, played by Christina Ricci, and Liam Neesons mortician. Ricci has to carry her portions of the film while being in various states of undress for large chunks of time, and while that must have been a challenge for her she pulls it off while giving enough tilt to her performance to give the central question of the film–is Anna really dead?–some subtlety and suspense. Neeson for his part carries off a surprisingly difficult role with his usual ease. Under Neesons care, Eliot is at various times curmudgeonly, nurturing, calm and menacing, and he makes it all perfectly believable. On the flip side, Justin Long is horribly miscast as Annas grieving near-fiancee Paul. Long is a charming and likable actor, but here he is just not right for the role and he spends most of the time overacting. The biggest problem however is that the film can never really decide whether it is a supernatural thriller or a psychological one, and that murky status leaves After.Life hanging out to dry. The sudden, fevered pitch toward the climax is too off-kilter and while there are some interesting things that happen as the answers become clear, the plot falls into well-worn territory and becomes a rote exercise in staying firmly within the lines of the thriller genre. This is a film that has its moments and some will be satisfied with Riccis en masse showing of skin, but most will be left wanting more.

Horror Rating: 3 out of 5 (creepy)

Boobies Rating: 3 out of 5

Christina Ricci

Christina Ricci

Christina Ricci

Christina Ricci

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